I wanted to write on a topic that seemed to me in recent times mutually exclusive – lust and responsibility. Many of the ideas explored below are applicable across much variety of relationship dynamics, sexual orientation and gender identification, there will be differences which you need to judge best for yourself and your lifestyle. I am writing from a perspective as an alternative lifestyle coach, a kink consultant to counseling professionals, and my own personal experience.
Call of the Wild
I know firsthand an experience I have seen in many of my clients. In the beginning I felt urges, ideas, and fantasies that excited, provoked, and energized me. They tapped into the raw and primal urges of “Wanting” to both consume and control… to possess and excite. I call this the Hunger, some call it a Fever, Lust, Wanting, etc… As a community – we recognize it as a form of Frenzy.
The problem, however, when this sensation takes hold, is impatience. Raw Hunger does not like to wait, has little discipline, and surges through with incredible power and strength. If you feel this Hunger and want to maintain integrity to your values, you may struggle to hold it back, to develop and Use an iron will. Be that with grinding teeth or fists clenched, you must resist the urge to simply grasp what you long to possess and recklessly tear into flesh.
Lets look at “Tanya” the Domme, and her sub “Donnie”. Tanya has been aching to tear into Donnie. They have chemistry. One casual play scene just ignited them very suddenly. He is just as wanting as she is, and very inclined to agree with anything his Mistress demands…. and Tanya has such delicious devious plans.
With awareness, a responsible Dominant must realize that they cannot just DO as impulse commands. Yes, there are some that would argue that is exactly what a Dominant has a right to – and to those I would remind them that this lifestyle is based on mutual Consent, not one sided selfishness. Tanya recognizes, as an experienced Domme, that while she might wish she could just DO as she wishes, and Donnie may play along, taking advantage of such premature trust would be irresponsible – potentially putting both herself and her sub in harm’s way.
She has learned, the hard way, not to give in to mindless and purely selfish wants nor entertain a sense of entitlement. Those may lead to breaking the sub’s heart and soul, or seriously damaging their mind and body. The body is for enjoyment, to revel in and celebrate – but to do so responsibly. Donnie is a Whole Person, not just a body, and that means a responsible Dominant such as Tanya must consider their sub’s full well being in addition to her own.
The first thing that keeps Tanya in check is a sense of compassion for Donnie. Be that naturally or learned compassion, it doesn’t matter other than she has it and contributes to decision making that’s sane.
How would you feel if in the passion of play, you seriously hurt someone – not just play or scene pain, but caused permanent injury to body or mind? While we acknowledge risk, we also seek to minimize it, and behave mutually accepting of consequences. However, not every legal entity recognizes this, and not everyone honors their word or contract.
How would you feel if one of your impulses led you to violate your moral code, or cross agreed upon boundaries and limits? These things are crimes of not just the spirit or emotional bonds, they are very much risks of violating consensual play, and thus assault, rape, or worse.
Certainly one may want to take rope, whip, or knife straight to the flesh. Yet someone that embraces being wholly Dominant (meaning even to themselves, inside and out) would be hard pressed to face themselves in the mirror with honor. As you may Hunger, you must care for the welfare of the other equally.
The second step Tanya considers when throttling down the Hunger is avoiding what might lead to regret. Why regret a bad decision when you can avoid the mine altogether and have both you and your partner remain whole, intact, and safe.
Self Control & Responsibility
To control this reckless urge driven by Hunger, Tanya has a code of personal values. At its simplest is developing a formal list of principles which offer a simple guide to behaving responsibly – especially when its hardest to. An example of such a list might include:
- Reasonable consent is a must
- no posing – humility gets you further than arrogance
- always start from a place of respect; reputation matters
- actively listen and be mindful of one’s messages
- honesty and transparency, to yourself and your partners
- when in doubt, back off and take it slow and adapt as needed
- intentions are well and good, but ultimately the consequence matters most
The third step is a strong set of morals or principles which value mutually aware consent. What does she mean by “mutually aware consent”? For her, it means that there needs to be mutual understanding and awareness of risk before there can be agreement on what is being done. After all, if her sub Donnie just wants to get going and blindly agrees to “whatever” without consideration or understanding, how can Tanya be certain he’s aware of the risks that he too is accepting? If both people aren’t on the same page, but working from bad assumptions or blind faith, is it really consent?
Whether you use the popular moral stands in the kink community of SSC (Safe Sane and Consensual), RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), or your own code of behavior from personal morals – you do need a framework in mind to help you. Things like sudden and unexpected lust and hunger can wreck your decision making abilities, despite best efforts, so its important to have these available, visible, and shared with anyone you intend a relationship with. For our case above, Tanya uses the tried and true Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC) – and like all, has her own understanding and use of it. As long as its providing her with a guide to responsible behavior… then its a win. What code of conduct works best for you at protecting the safety of you and your partner(s)?
Copyright (C) 2015, Limits Unleashed LLC