Starting out New – in 4 Steps


TESPresenterIf you are just starting out and new to exploring various sex positive communities or kinky activities, you may feel intimidated by the overwhelming number of terms and options out there.  Take heart, it’s not as difficult as it seems.   This post is to help you get started… in 4 steps.  Of course, its always good to follow up with these basics by reading, researching, educating, and seeking help from a mentor or lifestyle coach to help guide your toughest decisions.



I suppose the first thing I want you to know is that it’s okay to feel a little scared or intimidated when new and starting out. That’s an emotional sign that you don’t feel prepared yet – and that’s okay, because that is what learning is all about. The biggest help one can find is realizing that people, kinky, poly or otherwise, are just people.  We ALL started from square one at some point. So don’t worry, because many of us remember that feeling of starting out. It’s okay.


The next biggest thing I would like you to consider is that its less about what everyone else wants or does, and more about YOU.  Meaning, knowing what it is you are interested in, curious about, or have determined are your needs & desires is more important than worrying about everyone else.  If you know what you want or wish to explore, then all you need to do is communicate and be honest about these things – with yourself AND with others.    It really can be that simple.

Yes, having some basic social skills and understanding how to engage others is important – but for the most part, this is no different than everyday life. If you can be polite and respectful, and refrain from making snap judgments or being inconsiderate, then you’re likely to succeed.   Or, put simply, don’t act like an ass and its going to be just fine.  If that does happen (and it probably will at one point) then just own it – apologize sincerely without excuse or explanation.  Own that you made a bad choice in the moment, your choice, and vow not to let it happen again.  


As stated earlier, the feeling of insecurity and lack of confidence is an important message that we’re not prepared enough.  Sometimes that feeling is fully justified, especially when what we are about to venture into is completely unknown and different.  Sometimes that feeling is more reflective of our self esteem and the opinion of ourselves than the objective truth.  More likely, it’s a combination of both.

The easiest way to build Confidence is to learn and practice.  Read up, talk to folks, admit to others you are new (set expectations), and try things by going to munches or events. More importantly, continue to try again even if the first, second, or third time doesn’t match how you imagined (actively practice).  Nothing is gained without time & effort, and building your competency is how to best address your Confidence.  It’s not magic and it’s not a secret, it’s just learning and trying with a sense of tenacity and purpose over time.


One way to acquire knowledge, practice, and get expert advice is by finding a sponsor, mentor, or coach.  These are people who are senior members of the community and often focus on helping new folks get involved and connected.  They are a wealth of information and experience from which you can learn much and avoid many pitfalls.

A Sponsor, Mentor or Coach is not someone you get “involved” with.  They take people under their wing not for a show of ego or conquest, but because they genuinely care.  If they want sex with you, they are NOT a mentor or sponsor – just a predator in the guise of a friend.  Know the difference, get references if need be, and make it clear you are looking for help – not to be taken advantage of.



As responsible consenting adults, the time for childish posturing and using ignorance as an excuse doesn’t cut it.

  • No one is born knowing everything, especially lifestyle oriented things – there’s a learning curve for everyone.
  • No one can tell you what will make you happy but you; and most people that argue that point are not looking after your happiness, but rather their own.
  • Learn, practice, admit mistakes, apologize where necessary, attend to the consequences responsibly, and then dust yourself off and try again.
  • Learning from your mistakes is how you honor yourself by being better; learning from others mistakes and experience honors your mentors.


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